you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize