I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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