i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
