2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
