did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize