Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
