meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
In America we eat man semen.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
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