Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
