K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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