I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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