I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
