I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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