I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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