Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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