as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
