I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
