Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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