i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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