just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
