When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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