Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
