She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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