I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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