I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
