Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
