my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
