tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
