Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
