You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
