Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
