Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Less talking, more tequila
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
