bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
