Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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