woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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