just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
