Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
