lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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