This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize