I wish I could teleport
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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