I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
