i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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