Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
