I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
why do cheetos always look like penises
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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