you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
