He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
