I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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