You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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