I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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