I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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