I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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