dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
