Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
