I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
