i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
