just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize