Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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