I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
