When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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