I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
