I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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