Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
