I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
